I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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