My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Randomize
