i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
