can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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