Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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