If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
