I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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