were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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