My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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