so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
