In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
