im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
