I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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