I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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