I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
