the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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