So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
