Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
