The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
