Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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