So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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