Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
