The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
