my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
