I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
