if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
