evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
