i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
