I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
