nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
