my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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