god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
