he shaved USA in his pubs
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
