winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
