i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
