Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
