i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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