my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
