Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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