I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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