I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
