filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
