drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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