Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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