She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
