let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
