your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
