threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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