Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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