that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
