I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
