If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
